"Do You Want Kids?"
It's a new year! The holidays are behind us! However, the existential threats to human existence persist, leaving us millennials wondering if the roadmaps our parents laid out for our lives in the 80s and 90s are still paths worth pursuing, or even possible to pursue. Across nations, states and cultures - the mega question (primarily posed to women) is - "Do you want kids?".
WANT? Wanting is a tricky word. Wanting something does not mean it will happen. The Four Noble Truths that are central to Buddhist philosophy are: (1) Life is suffering, (2) attachment
to desire causes suffering, (3) suffering ends with the attachment to
desire, and (4) the Eightfold Path is the path to liberation from
suffering. We do have free will over the choices we make moment to moment, and those choices amount to the life we have. If you have a sense of your life purpose and that includes parenthood, that's a beautiful and meaningful thing to pursue and hope for.
I understand why having more children and growing a family is important to many people, especially to the friends and family that inquire... Children do expand your heart and capacity to love and change everything about your life. But this subject is SO SENSITIVE, and often dropped as casually in conversation as "Do you have any trips planned this year?".
HEALTH AND AGE. Women's health is EXTREMELY under researched. Many, many people are IGNORANT to what impact expanding your family has on women. There are currently about 8 billion people in the world, so women are having babies. HOWEVER, getting pregnant isn't always as easy as it sounds. As we know the older we get the older our eggs get... but the sperms must be in swimming shape to fertilize that egg! Men that drink too much or neglect their health have weak and deformed sperms that are often not considered as the underlying cause for infertility, as our culture puts all the onus on the woman to get pregnant. Drinking booze can decrease your chances of pregnancy by 25%, which is a lesser known fact due to outdated research on alcohol that was historically all funded by big alcohol. So, if I do try to get pregnant in the future, I am more secure in the state of my health and fertility as a sober person in good health. Fun fact that grosses men out - all the eggs a female will ever have in her ovaries are created in-utero before birth - therefore, half of you was inside of your grandmother's womb. It's true!
IVF, MISCARRIAGES AND FAMILY PLANNING. Do you know anyone who's been through IVF? Most tech companies pay for egg freezing as a benefit to keep women working and give them control over family planning, so I have had personal conversations with close friends throughout their process. You are on a multi-week hormonal roller coaster initiated by DAILY self-administered injections into very soft and sensitive tissue. As someone who has been in and out of the hospital for 15 years and experienced daily shots, surgery and physical trauma - I'm not sure I'm strong enough to make IVF my journey. My body has been through a lot in this lifetime. This is a beautiful option that has brought some very special and wonderful children into the world that are close to my heart.
Miscarriages are a very private and traumatic experience, and the question "Do you want kids?" can be extremely triggering if you are trying your damnedest. Has a woman or couple shared their miscarriage story with you? That's an experience that will break your heart forever. If you've been through that kind of loss, I love you and you are strong.
LIFESTYLE PREFERENCE. I loved being a kid. Life is so exciting! There are infinite things to do, see and explore in this world! Growing up I wanted to be an astronaut, genetic researcher, aerospace engineer, professional ballerina, music video dancer, academic, author, engineer, lawyer and CEO... I knew I could be whatever I wanted, because my Mother was and IS so many things - always evolving and pursing what is interesting and challenging. I always assumed I'd have kids and a husband someday... I wouldnt change a thing about how I grew up and my parents are the best. I don't remember 'Mother' specifically being on the top of my personal list of labels. I did A LOT of babysitting - I love kids... and I hate kids. Does having kids change your lifestyle? Yes, that's kind of the big idea. Being a Mom is really fucking hard - I know that without being one. I need a lot of sleep and it's a real fear of mine that I'll lose my mind due to sleep deprivation! I'm not sure if I'm up for the challenge in this lifetime. Life has already thrown me some tough times and at this point in time, growing a family is way too daunting for me. Even as a homeowner with a great job, above average income and a loving family - kids still sound expensive and time consuming. The United States is the only nation (aside from some small, sparsely populated islands) ON THE PLANET that does NOT offer Federal maternity leave. As a leader who advocates on behalf of female employees at Amazon - maternity leave is a big fuckin issue. When will legislators and corporate executives take the time to understand there is a direct correlation between enhancing women's health benefits and retaining women employees? There is SO MUCH DATA AND RESEARCH supporting these changes to support women - maybe they just don't care. I care. And I'm doing what I can for my sisters out there.
Recently I heard a politician attempting and failing to be politically correct on non-binary gender refer to women as BIRTHING PEOPLE. Well, I'm not sure I will be a birthing person even though I was born with the chromosomes to do so. Maybe I will! Maybe motherhood will smack me in the face or there is a slow unconscious burn inside of my soul waiting to burst into flames and make a baby! If my future baby is reading this - I love you and you are wanted! I often say that there are two absolutes a.k.a 'one way doors' in life - 1/ taking someone else's life 2/ creating a new life. So, I like to be particularly intentional when life or death is in the balance. People tell me " do it!" other people tell me "don't do it!".
I'm grateful that I have a lot of options available to me at this point in time. Only time will tell!
xoxo
Maddy Mo
**I did not dive into the disparities women of color and poverty. For example, women of color are 243% more likely to die giving birth in the United States. Socioeconomic factors are enormously important to this conversation, so here are some readings to go deeper:
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