Assholes in the Office
One thing that has been consistent throughout my career - assholes in the office. They are everywhere. Women have long had a reputation for being 'catty' and 'bitchy' in the workplace. It's time to debunk that stereotype and hold the other sex accountable. I had a glorious 18 month reprieve from uninvited ass-holery at work - still engaging with mostly men, albeit respectful and emotionally intelligent men. In the technology industry, it's a statistical fact that men hold the majority of jobs, especially as you get higher up the ladder. I'm not uncomfortable being the only woman in the room or on a call. However, I am not comfortable when there is blatant disrespect and dismissal directed at me, and it only happens when I'm in the gender minority.
Over the past 6 months I've stayed in the same role but taken on a different scope, interacting with new teams and people. Forging new paths is something I enjoy and done many times at this company, always eager to engage in new relationships with intelligent and interesting coworkers. There's a group of men I've come to call "The Goon Squad". They always show up together in meetings, bringing combative and negative energy, only directed at the small group of women in the working group. Men on my team that are not a part of "The Goon Squad", have expressed those coworkers are irritating and dramatic, with a lack of understanding for the big picture... however, they aren't on the receiving end of actual nastiness. A gnat in your ear is more welcome than a rattlesnake backing you into a corner.
For a period of time, these interactions made me think "Am I dumb? Am I the only one not getting it? Am I bad at my job?". Reality is, I'm great at my job. The people that matter and have influence over my career progression tell me all the time with demonstrative words and accolades. At this moment in my career, my dreams have come true and there are many women in executive leadership positions whom I have established very strong relationships with. We have immense mutual respect. So jokes on these fools - they have no clue how much safety and power I actually have compared to them... and it's high time I exercise it.
Being spoken to in a condescending tone and even yelled at in front of customers and colleagues, really takes a toll on a person. I haven't had COVID or needed a sick day in 3.5 years - but I've taken A LOT of mental health days in response to mistreatment. Being treated like shit makes me want to disappear. I dread calls with "The Goon Squad", and I know avoidance doesn't make me any better at my job. It's a sucky conundrum, a catch 22.
Psychological safety is directly correlated to performance. Period.
Emotional intelligence and compassion have been identified through many studies as the absolute two most important qualities successful leaders and executives must embody. Two character traits that are typically associated with women, as soft skills. I have no respect for people (objectively in my experience, primarily men) that bark orders and put people down. That is no way to get people to do what you want them to do. You motivate people with kindness. Anger is what kills confidence and loses trust.
So, what to do? STOP TAKING SHIT. Retaliating with the same tactics that make you feel abused and mistreated is not the best path to resolution. I will use my thoughtful communication skills to share my bad experiences with the leaders whom I have established great trust with, leaders with the power to hear me and take action to change this behavior... and power to fire the assholes if they see fit. A great mechanism for communicating this is an SBI report - Situation, Behavior, Incident. A way to express feelings supported by the facts you've documented over time. Of course, voicing problems with no solutions is just complaining. I will recommend coaching for "The Good Squad", including a mandatory Allyship workshops, effective communication training and then leave the rest up to their chain of command to deal with. I'm not trying to make anyone lose their job, I'm just trying to do my job and I need to feel safe to do my job.
Being elected the leader of my company's Women's group has given me a lot of confidence and security to exercise my power and use my voice.
I am patient. I am strategic. I am smart... and I have receipts.
xoxo
maddymo
*Highly recommended reading
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