Crawling Out of a Deep Dark Hole

On pretty much every single podcast I've listened to lately, the conversation is around how much people are STRUGGLING. Glennon Doyle and her sister did an episode about burn out and how they are empty. Brené Brown has a lot to say about how the pandemic is taking a toll on everyone - just today she posted that she will be taking a 3 month sabbatical to regroup and recharge. WOW! I hope to see more leaders and influential people choose to take a step away instead of continue to plow forward. In 2019 I experienced extreme burnout and had to step away from corporate America for 9 months - #normalizesabbaticals! Aren't we all looking around wondering what the hell is going on? Just this morning I had several in person meetings for May and June get rescheduled to virtual due to a recent spike in COVID cases from employees that attended IRL offsites. We've all adapted wildly to this pandemic, and it's been INTENSE. Life has been hard and it's felt hard. Most people I know are at least a little depressed and/or anxious, trying to prioritize staying on top of their demanding jobs while also trying to take care of their mental and physical health... myself included. Taking care of my shit feels like a full time job. I've finally found a therapist I've been working with for over a month now, and last week we talked about the voice in my head that tells me "do more". This snarky voice shows up every single day when I have a window of *free* time, egging me on to do more chores or more work or more anything. I'm working on retraining this voice to tell myself YOU'RE DOING ENOUGH! I am doing enough. It appears like we are ALL doing MORE than enough. Being bipolar means I'm on a lifelong journey to find mood stability. My mania is much more dangerous than my depression spells IMHO, so I have been ignoring the fact that I have been depressed recently. After I swung super high in January, I did crash down pretty low and I'm still climbing out of the darkness. Depression is sneaky, I've been telling myself I just have a lot of my plate and a lot to deal with and anyone would be overwhelmed, but I started retreating and hiding away and not looking forward to anything. That's not a great way to live life, that's not even living. I felt like I was surviving. Even simple adult tasks felt extremely difficult for me. Being responsible feels damn near impossible during certain spells. I wish there was a better communication mechanism between employers and employees about mental health status. Some days it's really hard to smile on video camera and be myself and stay on top of emails when I'm worried about having another psychotic episode and trying to manage medication with therapy and all these appointments that take time and effort to schedule and engage in. Last month I went to a neurology center for brain scans, which the doctor isn't available to meet with me and give me a treatment plan until later this month. My brain has been through a couple traumatic injuries, and this center has had great success treating a lot of NFL athletes and people with mental health issues. I'm trying EVERYTHING! I feel loads better than I did even a few weeks ago though. Reflection is important. I feel like I started in a deep valley and am climbing a mountain, but I'm finally getting a good vantage point. Every single thing makes a difference. Morning meditation, journaling, prayer, 8+ hours of sleep every night, supplements, health food, naps, walks outside... everything you do for yourself matters. I promise. 

xoxo maddy mo 

Currently Reading 

SPEAK: How to find your voice, trust your gut, and get from where you are to where you want to be by Tunde Oyeneyin

The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler

The Lightmaker's Manifesto: How to Work for Change without Losing Your Joy by Karen Walrond