40 Days

Lately I feel like I'm in a phase of preparation - not exactly waiting for something to happen but getting myself ready for something, and that something isn't perfectly clear yet. Introspection has been the leading lady in my life the past few months - I love the definition of the word 'introspection': the examination or observation of one's own mental and emotional processes. A big part of this process for me is reading... constantly. Brene Brown is a new one-sided mentor of mine that I totally admire, and I also download a lot of the books she references in her own work - one of those books is The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. This is one of those books that had me in a trance, completely focused on each word from cover to cover, totally immersed in the protagonist's journey from a shepherd boy with a dream, to a self-actualized man who realizes his purpose. Part of this 'seeking' and 'preparation' process has been exploring God and powers greater than us. My relationship with God has always been a cornerstone of my identity but religion and other people's baggage have clouded my personal beliefs, so I'm trying to peel back those imposed layers and build on what's true to me. Church was an important place in my childhood, I have amazing memories from pre-school Sunday school all the way through high school in the church. Living in Seattle and working in high tech surrounded by people with a more liberal and less faith focused upbringing was total culture shock at first and led me to question my own beliefs for the first time in my life. These days people obsessively discuss politics and finances, but religion is something most people don't want to touch with a ten foot pole. Physics, quantum theories and atheism to me are super interesting but a bit stark and bland, something feels hollow about relying solely on those mechanisms to try to understand a big, beautiful and complex universe. Some views give the mind much more power than the heart. One thing I have realized is when I believe God is beside me or that my life does have a divine purpose, I feel MUCH safer, happier and more at peace. I can't find peace without believing there is a God who is good and wants the best for humans and living things on Earth. A honey bee just landed on my finger as I was typing on my keyboard! Now he's sniffing around my banana - see! The world is full of magic. The Alchemist has a guiding theme of Omen's and symbols from God - near the end of the book there's a black and white ink drawing of a scarab beetle and the text explains in Egypt the scarab beetle is a symbol of God. Yesterday on my walk an iridescent teal scarab beetle flew in front of me and suddenly landed on the sandy path, squirming on it's back trying to fly again. At first I walked away but then turned around, picked up a stick and flipped that beautiful creature over! It flitted off and seemed happy to be back flying around, serving it's beetle purpose. That's the first time I have ever seen that type of beetle here in California, and I certainly know it was a symbol of God.